FAS or famine...

One of the most troublesome things about the fact that I'm pregnant, like, all the time is that I'm also drunk, like, all the time.

Women in their twenties know it well: the moment when you're sitting, knees akimbo on the toilet, peeing on a little white stick, your mind reeling over every light beer, jello shot and dirty martini you've imbibed since you hooked up with that one dude last Tuesday and he likely impregnated you. Great. Now not only are you going to be a single mom, your child is going to be mentally impaired and look weird.

In all seriousness, the prospect of FAS -- Fetal Alcohol Syndrome -- is frightening and anyone thinking of getting knocked up should, of course, do all they can to prevent it.

But as any human biology student, nurse and/or, um, common sense will tell you, it's nearly impossible to give your baby FAS in the first few weeks of pregnancy. This is because the embryo hasn't tapped into the mother's blood stream yet.

Think of the days before pregnancy tests. Did the wenches stop drinking meade even before their bodices began to feel tight? Nay! Did those saucy Victorian gals lay off the laudanum before their once-yearly tupping? Dubious. And what about all those children created at Woodstock...were they conceived without the aid of booze and "herbal refreshment?" No way, man.

But the Internets tell a different tale. Google "drinking and early pregnancy" and you'll run into any number of sites that malign you for being a terrible, irresponsible mother if you're ever caught drinking while fertilized.

The March of Dimes says, "no level of alcohol use during pregnancy has been proven safe."
WebMD goes on and on about potential facial deformities and brain damage. Finding a site that tells you the stages of development of a fetus and encourages you not to abort is easy; finding one that can tell you exactly when the fertilized egg hooks a trailer hitch to your circulation system ain't. (If you have a link to this info, please post in the comments.)

As a result, message boards are full of women guilty and worried sick. This from parents.berkeley.edu:

just found out I am pregnant. Only 5 weeks as far as I can figure out. My big worry is that a few weeks ago I had a weekend away with my girlfriends and we drank a fair share of wine and beer. Has anyone else had this experience? How did your pregnancy turn out? I am really nervous that I have done something terrible to this tiny embryo. worried

The responses from the message board are resoundingly reassuring, if anecdotal:

Don't worry! I didn't know I was three weeks pregnant when I took advantage of an all-you-can-drink resort in Mexico. I am not a regular drinker, but I did it up that weekend. Once I found out I was pregnant I was worried about that weekend of debauchery... but then had to realize there was nothing I could do to change what happened. 9 months later, I had the most perfect baby girl in my arms. anon

Your baby is fine. Any physician you ask will tell you this.

Great news, obvi. But why so difficult to figure out the facts behind this comforting bit of common knowledge?

Maybe it's because preventing FAS is kindof like the DARE program ("To keep kids off drugs") we all went through in elementary school. Pick a social ill, hyperbolize the shit out of it, and scare folks into thinking that one little snorty-snort of delicious nose sugar is going to make you beat your own mother.

That may be fine for the kiddies, but I think we grown-up women are mature enough to handle the straight dope on just how drunk we are allowed to get, especially before we even know we're preggers! So if all you informative health sites could just let us know exactly when this bundle of cells thingy actually saddles up to our blood stream and starts sucking down vodka along with us, that would be great, mmmkay? 'Cause lord knows we drunk, probably pregnant girls have enough to worry about. Thx.