A reflection...

from my good friend P as I (thank you, sweet Jesus!) enter the red tent once again:

"Periods are like Christmas for sexually active women."

Well, deck the halls with pads and tampons.

This was actually me...

From Overheard in the Office- www.overheardintheoffice.com...

We Hope You'll Come in and Be Judged by Us Again Soon

(Woman puts groceries on checkstand, including home pregnancy test.)
Male clerk: Man, I have been selling a lot of these lately!
(Woman laughs nervously.)
Male clerk to female clerk, waving test in the air: Haven't you been selling a lot of these?
Female clerk: Yeah, I have! It must be spring, you know how people get!
(Woman is now horrified.)
Male clerk, handing woman her groceries: Well, good luck either way!

Safeway
Phoenix, Arizona

I'm in love with a stripper virgin

He's interesting. He's funny. He's smart. He's witty. He's handsome. And he's never going to fuck me.

Why? He's still got his V-card, that's why! That means we can go to dinner, drink wine, discuss politics and religion and laugh and laugh, but dear god, my dashing prince turns into a fumbling, frightened, inaccessible idiot at the idea of a roll in the hay.

"This could be good for you," my friend tells me. "At least you won't have to worry about being pregnant."

Indeed, one might think that a boo who won't do it would be perfect for a girl who's probs. pregs. 24/7.

Yet, behold our awkward conversation of several nights hence:

Ginger: I want to be the one to pop your cherry.
Virgin: It won't work. You'd only be frustrated.
Ginger: I'm already frustrated!
Virgin: Let's just talk about poetry and enjoy this imported cigar.
Ginger: Please hold me.
Virgin: I've got to go.

Alas, there's just no romance without the risk of getting fertilized out of wedlock.

Dear Magda...

XOXO,
Myrtle

It's a fetus!

I just know it this time. I am probably, definitely, totally pregnant. It is most definitely NOT a food baby. I've been feeling naush for about three days. I thought I might just be paranoid, but when I mentioned it to my roommate, she asked, "Do you think maybe you're pregnant?" THEN, my boyfriend said last night, totally out of the blue, "Wouldn't it suck- I mean, be totally inconvenient, if you got pregnant right now, right before starting grad school?" Totally a sign. I must be emanating baby vibes. Nevermind that I had my period a week and a half ago. God is punishing me for the blog. Anyway, that was probably just implantation bleeding.

Clay Aiken...the Sperminator?

News sources report today that pop singer Clay Aiken is going to become a father. This from the San Francisco Chronicle:

Singer Clay Aiken is having a baby with his best friend, music producer Jaymes Foster.

A spokesman for Foster's music mogul brother, David Foster, has confirmed that Jaymes, 50, became pregnant through artificial insemination and is due to give birth to the 29-year-old "American Idol" star's child in August.

Um...holy shit. If a gay American Idol with highlights, a powdered nose and a belty tenor can impregnate a 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN named JAMES then...hang on to your condoms, because NO ONE IS SAFE!!!

I mean, just LOOK at this guy:

"You think I'm gay," he seems to be saying. "But watch out ladies. I am potent."

To anyone who has attended a Clay Aiken concert in the past year, you are probably pregnant and I recommend you take like three EPTs, stat. And...what were you thinking going to a Clay Aiken concert, anyway?

Sources report that Aiken and Foster will not marry, but that Aiken will play an active role in the child's life. Aww.

Q & A

Dear Ginger,
I heard that you can get pregnant just "messing around."
Is this true?

Periodless in Peoria

Dear Period,

The answer, my young, hot-and-heavy friend is Yes! A resounding Yes! Though they appear squirmy and guileless under magnification, sperm are actually mighty warriors who will fight to enter your vagina at every turn.

Thus, you can get pregnant from merely spending "quality time" with any guy with a respectable sperm count.

This includes activities such as: making out, heavy petting, taking naps together, wearing bathing suits while in the same hot tub vicinity, and watching any film starring Marky Mark. If you have done any of these things recently, you are probably pregnant.

Acceptable male-female interactions that will probably not get you pregnant include: paddle-boating with your parents, taking a knitting class, and discussing your constant fear of getting pregnant. Remember...it's okay to talk about it! Good luck.

This implantation bleeding is giving me terrible cramps

Did you know that even if you get "your period," you may still be pregnant? In fact, you probably ARE pregnant? Yep. Welcome to the terrifying world of implantation bleeding.

From JustMommies.com:

After ovulation the egg travels into the uterus and burrows into the lining of the uterus. For some women implantation will cause slight bleeding or spotting. This is called implantation bleeding. This is sometimes confused for an early period.

What does implantation bleeding or spotting look like?
Implantation bleeding, also called implantation spotting, does not look like a regular menstrual period. Implantation bleeding is scanty and usually pink or brownish discharge.

Implantation bleeding or menstrual period?
Implantation bleeding normally occurs a week to a few days before your period would normally start. Spotting that occurs around a week after ovulation is likely implantation bleeding; whereas, spotting that occurs very close to the time that your period would normally start may not be. A normal menstrual cycle generally starts off light and then gets heavier. Spotting can sometimes be the sign of an early period. If this is the case, the spotting will pick up to heavier bleeding. If you have spotting right around the time your period would normally start, it can be more confusing. You will need to take the wait and see approach or take a pregnancy test to determine pregnancy.

What if I feel like my period is about to start?
If you have had spotting and think it might be implantation bleeding you may be paying very close attention to your body. If you are trying to get pregnant, the good news is that early pregnancy symptoms feel very similar to the start of your period. If you are pregnant you may begin to notice symptoms of early pregnancy right around the time your period would normally start and sometimes sooner than that. If you suspect pregnancy you can test for pregnancy as early as ten days after ovulation.

How common is implantation bleeding?
Implantation bleeding is fairly common with pregnancy. Twenty to thirty percent of women will have spotting during early pregnancy. If you have some light spotting before your period would normally start this is not something to worry about and may be a sign of pregnancy.

Baby Daddy is a Ginge

Genetic scientists (and...my mother) predict that in 100 years, redheads like moi will become extinct due to "global intermingling." The only solution is for gingers to mate with other "ginges," lest we deprive the world of adorable specimens like the one above (scree! scree! scree!)

Well, ma, I've done my part.

I'm pretty sure I'm likely, most definitely, probably really the preggers this time. Every time I eat too much hummus and my belly pokes out I am convinced it's getting bigger and bigger. And I feel weird. Baby daddy has light blue eyes, freckled skin and is a light ginge. I've got brown eyes and I'm an auburn ginge. So I can't stop thinking about what our kid will look like.

And he hasn't called in two weeks, which makes it even MORE likely that I'm preg. Now we'll have to go on Jerry Springer and get a paternity test and see a judge and stay up late and have tearful conversations about why I just won't "take care of it" already (um, risk of extinction...hello?!)!!!

I'll admit this isn't the first time I was entirely convinced I was with child, but we'll know who's right when a ginger hell-spawn leaps from my womb.

from The Telegraph

(Full article here)
Theo Paphitis from the Dragons' Den: 'Pregnant women's brains turn to mush'

Theo Paphitis, the star of Dragons' Den, has unreconstructed views on women in the workplace, and says paternity leave is for wimps, says Celia Walden

... "Making the first million is hard, making the next 100 million is easy," he says. "I didn't have a great childhood and neither did Debbie, my wife, so we both try to give the kids not only the material things we never had but also the hugs and the love. I've made enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, but I don't get out of bed every morning thinking of the money. Money is just a by-product of success, a score card of how well you've done every year."

Can you ever have too much money? "Of course you can," he says with a look of incredulity. "I've got too much money." And yet there seems to be none of the guilt felt by many others forced to be frugal throughout their childhoods. "Trust me, that sick feeling you get when you've spent too much money? It goes." Even "Mrs P" has lost her sensible attitude to cash, he insists. "That said, she'll sometimes put a T-shirt back in M&S and mutter 'I'm not paying £20 for that.'"

... Economics, the world of business - to Theo it all comes down to one thing. "There is no such thing as business acumen: it's just common sense. You could be a little housewife who left school at 15 and doesn't have a bean to her name, but if you've got commonsense you can run a small business. Business is simple, but people complicate it."

... Does the question of women in the workplace ever feature in the tussle?

"Of course - but all this feminist stuff: are we seriously saying that 50 per cent of all jobs should go to women? Anyone who thinks that needs to go to bed, sleep on it, and in the morning when they wake up, if they still feel the same, go straight back to bed, because they are clearly barking mad."

Warming to his theme, and momentarily disregarding his salad, Paphitis launches into an impassioned description of the high-earning businesswomen running so many of his companies. "They go and get themselves bloody pregnant and I say 'right: for three months before you even give birth, you're going to be useless, your brain will turn to mush.' They always argue that they'll be working until the day before, have the baby, go down to the river, wash it off, give it to the nanny and be back at work the following day, but sure enough, their brains turn to mush, and then after the birth the maternal instincts kick in, they take three months off, get it out of their system and are back to normal."

Amused, I ask what he thinks of paternity leave: "I think it's a bit soppy," he snorts. Then, leaning forward again, he changes the subject, quietly announcing: "Now I've got a big scoop for you. I've set a retirement date."

Go on, I urge.

"It's when I die." He bursts out laughing and I feign the same level of amusement, adding, for good measure, that he doesn't seem like the kind of man who could ever be idle, nor sit and ponder his regrets.

"Regrets?" he shakes his head, stopping suddenly and smiling proudly at the originality of his burgeoning thought: "Do you know what I've always believed? What will be will be."