FAS or famine...

One of the most troublesome things about the fact that I'm pregnant, like, all the time is that I'm also drunk, like, all the time.

Women in their twenties know it well: the moment when you're sitting, knees akimbo on the toilet, peeing on a little white stick, your mind reeling over every light beer, jello shot and dirty martini you've imbibed since you hooked up with that one dude last Tuesday and he likely impregnated you. Great. Now not only are you going to be a single mom, your child is going to be mentally impaired and look weird.

In all seriousness, the prospect of FAS -- Fetal Alcohol Syndrome -- is frightening and anyone thinking of getting knocked up should, of course, do all they can to prevent it.

But as any human biology student, nurse and/or, um, common sense will tell you, it's nearly impossible to give your baby FAS in the first few weeks of pregnancy. This is because the embryo hasn't tapped into the mother's blood stream yet.

Think of the days before pregnancy tests. Did the wenches stop drinking meade even before their bodices began to feel tight? Nay! Did those saucy Victorian gals lay off the laudanum before their once-yearly tupping? Dubious. And what about all those children created at Woodstock...were they conceived without the aid of booze and "herbal refreshment?" No way, man.

But the Internets tell a different tale. Google "drinking and early pregnancy" and you'll run into any number of sites that malign you for being a terrible, irresponsible mother if you're ever caught drinking while fertilized.

The March of Dimes says, "no level of alcohol use during pregnancy has been proven safe."
WebMD goes on and on about potential facial deformities and brain damage. Finding a site that tells you the stages of development of a fetus and encourages you not to abort is easy; finding one that can tell you exactly when the fertilized egg hooks a trailer hitch to your circulation system ain't. (If you have a link to this info, please post in the comments.)

As a result, message boards are full of women guilty and worried sick. This from parents.berkeley.edu:

just found out I am pregnant. Only 5 weeks as far as I can figure out. My big worry is that a few weeks ago I had a weekend away with my girlfriends and we drank a fair share of wine and beer. Has anyone else had this experience? How did your pregnancy turn out? I am really nervous that I have done something terrible to this tiny embryo. worried

The responses from the message board are resoundingly reassuring, if anecdotal:

Don't worry! I didn't know I was three weeks pregnant when I took advantage of an all-you-can-drink resort in Mexico. I am not a regular drinker, but I did it up that weekend. Once I found out I was pregnant I was worried about that weekend of debauchery... but then had to realize there was nothing I could do to change what happened. 9 months later, I had the most perfect baby girl in my arms. anon

Your baby is fine. Any physician you ask will tell you this.

Great news, obvi. But why so difficult to figure out the facts behind this comforting bit of common knowledge?

Maybe it's because preventing FAS is kindof like the DARE program ("To keep kids off drugs") we all went through in elementary school. Pick a social ill, hyperbolize the shit out of it, and scare folks into thinking that one little snorty-snort of delicious nose sugar is going to make you beat your own mother.

That may be fine for the kiddies, but I think we grown-up women are mature enough to handle the straight dope on just how drunk we are allowed to get, especially before we even know we're preggers! So if all you informative health sites could just let us know exactly when this bundle of cells thingy actually saddles up to our blood stream and starts sucking down vodka along with us, that would be great, mmmkay? 'Cause lord knows we drunk, probably pregnant girls have enough to worry about. Thx.

decent places to get knocked up II: Grand Junction, Colo.

Actual, pregnant crowd at Grand Junction Festival.

Yeah. "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw makes me want to do irresponsible things too.

Pregnancies Jump After Grand Junction Festival

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo.—Whether it's something in the water or the grooving sounds of country music, the aftermath of what one health officials calls Grand Junction's "Woodstock" drives up pregnancies in this city each year.

Nurse-Family Partnership supervisor Wanda Scott said referrals to her agency from the Mesa County Health Department quadruple every year after the music festival Country Jam. Scott told commissioners about the phenomena Monday during a presentation called, "How are the Children?"

Scott said on average the health clinic sees between 25 to 30 pregnancies a month. She says five weeks after the festival that number jumps to almost 80 a month.

The festival ran from June 26-29. Performers included Tim McGraw, Clay Walker and Sugarland.

"That's our Grand Junction Woodstock," Scott said, referring to the 1969 counterculture rock festival in Bethel, N.Y., featuring such acts as Jimi Hendricks and Janis Joplin.

Grand Junction is a city of about 50,000 about 245 miles west of Denver.

Country Jam Director Steve Berg said the information surprised him.

"I certainly can't stop them from having sex. If we could stop it we certainly would," he said.

Commissioner Janet Rowland said education could help prevent unwanted teen pregnancies but didn't know what else could be done to stop them "short of putting birth control in the water at Country Jam."

better her than us

Isn't the whole benefit of "the change" that you DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A BABY AT 70? Grandma, please.

decent places to get knocked up

This weekend at Marshalls there were many dresses that for some reason reminded me of like teenage children of farmers losing their v-cards on haystacks and stuff. They just had this je ne sais quoi... "come hither to my haystack and do me" quality.

It inspired me to write this post.

Places You Could Become Pregnant at Any Moment: //

//

a haystack

a car

a bed

home of a lead singer of a band

anywhere there also happened to be a bottle of Chateauneuf du Pape

Magic eight ball says: Outlook not so good.

NPR confirms all of our worst fears. According to some dude on the radio, fully 50% of births to women under 30 are out of wedlock. This, apparently, puts these families under high economic risk: there is a high correlation between single mothers and family poverty. According to the Annual Social and Economic Supplement to the census, in 2005, 10.2% of all families were under the poverty line, but 28.3% of families headed by single women had incomes below the poverty. And while 26.5% of all families were below 200% of poverty, 54.9% of single mother families were. I think basically this tells us that not only are you probably pregnant, but you're probably poor, too. Awesome.

In conclusion, support dropping the income threshold on the Child Tax Credit, and for Christ's sake, wrap it up!

A reflection...

from my good friend P as I (thank you, sweet Jesus!) enter the red tent once again:

"Periods are like Christmas for sexually active women."

Well, deck the halls with pads and tampons.

This was actually me...

From Overheard in the Office- www.overheardintheoffice.com...

We Hope You'll Come in and Be Judged by Us Again Soon

(Woman puts groceries on checkstand, including home pregnancy test.)
Male clerk: Man, I have been selling a lot of these lately!
(Woman laughs nervously.)
Male clerk to female clerk, waving test in the air: Haven't you been selling a lot of these?
Female clerk: Yeah, I have! It must be spring, you know how people get!
(Woman is now horrified.)
Male clerk, handing woman her groceries: Well, good luck either way!

Safeway
Phoenix, Arizona

I'm in love with a stripper virgin

He's interesting. He's funny. He's smart. He's witty. He's handsome. And he's never going to fuck me.

Why? He's still got his V-card, that's why! That means we can go to dinner, drink wine, discuss politics and religion and laugh and laugh, but dear god, my dashing prince turns into a fumbling, frightened, inaccessible idiot at the idea of a roll in the hay.

"This could be good for you," my friend tells me. "At least you won't have to worry about being pregnant."

Indeed, one might think that a boo who won't do it would be perfect for a girl who's probs. pregs. 24/7.

Yet, behold our awkward conversation of several nights hence:

Ginger: I want to be the one to pop your cherry.
Virgin: It won't work. You'd only be frustrated.
Ginger: I'm already frustrated!
Virgin: Let's just talk about poetry and enjoy this imported cigar.
Ginger: Please hold me.
Virgin: I've got to go.

Alas, there's just no romance without the risk of getting fertilized out of wedlock.

Dear Magda...

XOXO,
Myrtle

It's a fetus!

I just know it this time. I am probably, definitely, totally pregnant. It is most definitely NOT a food baby. I've been feeling naush for about three days. I thought I might just be paranoid, but when I mentioned it to my roommate, she asked, "Do you think maybe you're pregnant?" THEN, my boyfriend said last night, totally out of the blue, "Wouldn't it suck- I mean, be totally inconvenient, if you got pregnant right now, right before starting grad school?" Totally a sign. I must be emanating baby vibes. Nevermind that I had my period a week and a half ago. God is punishing me for the blog. Anyway, that was probably just implantation bleeding.

Clay Aiken...the Sperminator?

News sources report today that pop singer Clay Aiken is going to become a father. This from the San Francisco Chronicle:

Singer Clay Aiken is having a baby with his best friend, music producer Jaymes Foster.

A spokesman for Foster's music mogul brother, David Foster, has confirmed that Jaymes, 50, became pregnant through artificial insemination and is due to give birth to the 29-year-old "American Idol" star's child in August.

Um...holy shit. If a gay American Idol with highlights, a powdered nose and a belty tenor can impregnate a 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN named JAMES then...hang on to your condoms, because NO ONE IS SAFE!!!

I mean, just LOOK at this guy:

"You think I'm gay," he seems to be saying. "But watch out ladies. I am potent."

To anyone who has attended a Clay Aiken concert in the past year, you are probably pregnant and I recommend you take like three EPTs, stat. And...what were you thinking going to a Clay Aiken concert, anyway?

Sources report that Aiken and Foster will not marry, but that Aiken will play an active role in the child's life. Aww.

Q & A

Dear Ginger,
I heard that you can get pregnant just "messing around."
Is this true?

Periodless in Peoria

Dear Period,

The answer, my young, hot-and-heavy friend is Yes! A resounding Yes! Though they appear squirmy and guileless under magnification, sperm are actually mighty warriors who will fight to enter your vagina at every turn.

Thus, you can get pregnant from merely spending "quality time" with any guy with a respectable sperm count.

This includes activities such as: making out, heavy petting, taking naps together, wearing bathing suits while in the same hot tub vicinity, and watching any film starring Marky Mark. If you have done any of these things recently, you are probably pregnant.

Acceptable male-female interactions that will probably not get you pregnant include: paddle-boating with your parents, taking a knitting class, and discussing your constant fear of getting pregnant. Remember...it's okay to talk about it! Good luck.

This implantation bleeding is giving me terrible cramps

Did you know that even if you get "your period," you may still be pregnant? In fact, you probably ARE pregnant? Yep. Welcome to the terrifying world of implantation bleeding.

From JustMommies.com:

After ovulation the egg travels into the uterus and burrows into the lining of the uterus. For some women implantation will cause slight bleeding or spotting. This is called implantation bleeding. This is sometimes confused for an early period.

What does implantation bleeding or spotting look like?
Implantation bleeding, also called implantation spotting, does not look like a regular menstrual period. Implantation bleeding is scanty and usually pink or brownish discharge.

Implantation bleeding or menstrual period?
Implantation bleeding normally occurs a week to a few days before your period would normally start. Spotting that occurs around a week after ovulation is likely implantation bleeding; whereas, spotting that occurs very close to the time that your period would normally start may not be. A normal menstrual cycle generally starts off light and then gets heavier. Spotting can sometimes be the sign of an early period. If this is the case, the spotting will pick up to heavier bleeding. If you have spotting right around the time your period would normally start, it can be more confusing. You will need to take the wait and see approach or take a pregnancy test to determine pregnancy.

What if I feel like my period is about to start?
If you have had spotting and think it might be implantation bleeding you may be paying very close attention to your body. If you are trying to get pregnant, the good news is that early pregnancy symptoms feel very similar to the start of your period. If you are pregnant you may begin to notice symptoms of early pregnancy right around the time your period would normally start and sometimes sooner than that. If you suspect pregnancy you can test for pregnancy as early as ten days after ovulation.

How common is implantation bleeding?
Implantation bleeding is fairly common with pregnancy. Twenty to thirty percent of women will have spotting during early pregnancy. If you have some light spotting before your period would normally start this is not something to worry about and may be a sign of pregnancy.

Baby Daddy is a Ginge

Genetic scientists (and...my mother) predict that in 100 years, redheads like moi will become extinct due to "global intermingling." The only solution is for gingers to mate with other "ginges," lest we deprive the world of adorable specimens like the one above (scree! scree! scree!)

Well, ma, I've done my part.

I'm pretty sure I'm likely, most definitely, probably really the preggers this time. Every time I eat too much hummus and my belly pokes out I am convinced it's getting bigger and bigger. And I feel weird. Baby daddy has light blue eyes, freckled skin and is a light ginge. I've got brown eyes and I'm an auburn ginge. So I can't stop thinking about what our kid will look like.

And he hasn't called in two weeks, which makes it even MORE likely that I'm preg. Now we'll have to go on Jerry Springer and get a paternity test and see a judge and stay up late and have tearful conversations about why I just won't "take care of it" already (um, risk of extinction...hello?!)!!!

I'll admit this isn't the first time I was entirely convinced I was with child, but we'll know who's right when a ginger hell-spawn leaps from my womb.

from The Telegraph

(Full article here)
Theo Paphitis from the Dragons' Den: 'Pregnant women's brains turn to mush'

Theo Paphitis, the star of Dragons' Den, has unreconstructed views on women in the workplace, and says paternity leave is for wimps, says Celia Walden

... "Making the first million is hard, making the next 100 million is easy," he says. "I didn't have a great childhood and neither did Debbie, my wife, so we both try to give the kids not only the material things we never had but also the hugs and the love. I've made enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, but I don't get out of bed every morning thinking of the money. Money is just a by-product of success, a score card of how well you've done every year."

Can you ever have too much money? "Of course you can," he says with a look of incredulity. "I've got too much money." And yet there seems to be none of the guilt felt by many others forced to be frugal throughout their childhoods. "Trust me, that sick feeling you get when you've spent too much money? It goes." Even "Mrs P" has lost her sensible attitude to cash, he insists. "That said, she'll sometimes put a T-shirt back in M&S and mutter 'I'm not paying £20 for that.'"

... Economics, the world of business - to Theo it all comes down to one thing. "There is no such thing as business acumen: it's just common sense. You could be a little housewife who left school at 15 and doesn't have a bean to her name, but if you've got commonsense you can run a small business. Business is simple, but people complicate it."

... Does the question of women in the workplace ever feature in the tussle?

"Of course - but all this feminist stuff: are we seriously saying that 50 per cent of all jobs should go to women? Anyone who thinks that needs to go to bed, sleep on it, and in the morning when they wake up, if they still feel the same, go straight back to bed, because they are clearly barking mad."

Warming to his theme, and momentarily disregarding his salad, Paphitis launches into an impassioned description of the high-earning businesswomen running so many of his companies. "They go and get themselves bloody pregnant and I say 'right: for three months before you even give birth, you're going to be useless, your brain will turn to mush.' They always argue that they'll be working until the day before, have the baby, go down to the river, wash it off, give it to the nanny and be back at work the following day, but sure enough, their brains turn to mush, and then after the birth the maternal instincts kick in, they take three months off, get it out of their system and are back to normal."

Amused, I ask what he thinks of paternity leave: "I think it's a bit soppy," he snorts. Then, leaning forward again, he changes the subject, quietly announcing: "Now I've got a big scoop for you. I've set a retirement date."

Go on, I urge.

"It's when I die." He bursts out laughing and I feign the same level of amusement, adding, for good measure, that he doesn't seem like the kind of man who could ever be idle, nor sit and ponder his regrets.

"Regrets?" he shakes his head, stopping suddenly and smiling proudly at the originality of his burgeoning thought: "Do you know what I've always believed? What will be will be."

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder...

and works! Except, according to the reputable New York Times..."studies have also shown that most teenagers who say they will remain abstinent end up having sex before marriage, and they are far less likely to use condoms than their peers." Apparently, that stat doesn't stop these ladies from daddy daughter dances honoring their sworn virtue.

Now, I can get behind father-daughter bonding, and I love ritual as much as the next lapsed Catholic, but the Dads crossing swords thing seems a little phallic...and a LOT creepy.

In conclusion, I think we can all thank George W. Bush and abstinence-only sex ed for the these ladies' future herp....and probably pregnancy.

A friend, a mere two years out of college, and in MED SCHOOL, weeks before the infamous boards, just gave birth to her first child...after 36 hours of labor. As in, one and a half days. Plural. I thought maybe she was just an overachiever, but reports taken from associates confirm that this is not uncommon for a first birth. Probably pregnant? Dear God! I hope not. But I probably am.

ma, i yam pregnant

I eat about 1 million sweet potatoes a year.

There’s been much buzz lately in women’s health circles about food and fertility. Recent books like The Infertility Diet by Fern Reiss suggest that eating a balanced diet that includes certain key foods can help women get pregnant and prevent miscarriage. One of the foods receiving a flurry of attention is the yam. Research conducted at Yale University linked the high consumption of white yams among the Yoruba people in Nigeria to that society’s high incidence of fraternal twins. These yams contain unique compounds called diosgenins, which may have an impact on hormonal patterns, thereby increasing ovulation. "Tuber Confusion," Rachel Levin, The Food Paper.

Oh God.

So, how far along are you?

With the potato soup?

Recently I overheard a young woman's cell phone conversation on a bus. "How far along are you?" she asked, enthusiastically.

I swallowed and clutched my purse and thought to myself, "About 22 days."

Two seconds later I realized she was asking her roommate about dinner.

Aunt Flo waiting on the platform, matching Louis V luggage at her feet

well, despite the fact my period is..6 days late, e.p.t CLAIMS that I'm not fostering a fet. Well see about that; $15 for 3 = 3rd times the charm

Pregnant? Probably

Welcome to Probably Pregnant, the cause of, and answer to, all of your pregnancy scare questions.

Probably Pregnant. Because yes, you probably are.